I've debated on whether or not to "go public" with what I'm going to share, mostly because I don't want people to treat me like I'm something fragile (even though emotionally, I kind of am). I guess I should give you some background to the experience as a whole especially since no one really knew in the first place. All of 2015 was spent wishing, hoping and praying that we would be blessed with another child, a sibling for our cutie pie son Hendrix. That dream was fulfilled December 24, 2015, when I took a pregnancy test and lo and behold, there were two lines!! I didn't know that two lines could make me so happy. I danced around the house like I won the jackpot, because to me, I had! A dream I had for so long, was finally becoming a reality. I told Vince the next day and we were overjoyed. This baby was a christmas miracle and definitely the best christmas gift we could ever receive.
My first appointment was on Jan 11. Baby was still really tiny and just had a flicker of a heartbeat. Maybe that should've been the red flag, but I was so happy to see a baby in there, that nothing alarmed me. My doctor scheduled me to come back two weeks later on Jan 25. I came back, this time with Vince and Hendrix. We were all so excited to see our little one. The appointment started, she was looking at baby and was saying that baby hadn't grown much since my previous appointment. I actually made the joke: "Is it human?" and laughed. After that she said something like, "yea, I think it is, I just don't see a heartbeat." I didn't think it was a big deal, baby was still so small....... boy was I wrong. She kept examining for a minute or so, then concluded that baby had stopped growing and doesn't have a heartbeat. She called it a missed miscarriage. I was like, wait, what?! She started explaining to me what a missed miscarriage was and she kept using the word "unfortunately" which I hated. I'm sure she didn't mean to be impersonal but it really felt that way. Basically a missed miscarriage is when your baby has already passed away but your body hasn't gotten the memo. So, the baby is still in you but is no longer alive. After she dropped that bomb, she began giving me options. I could 1) wait and let the miscarriage happen naturally, 2) take some pills to speed the process along or 3) have a D&C (same procedure used in an abortion). She's throwing these options out to me and all I could feel was my heart beating faster, my chest getting heavier and the tears started. I didn't know what to do or say. Actually I didn't say anything. How was I supposed to make a choice right at that moment? I was just supposed to see my baby that day and get an estimate to when my baby was going to be born. She left the room for a couple of minutes to let me figure out what I wanted to do. I couldn't think or move, I just sat there and cried in Vince's arms. She came back to the room and said that she'd see me in a week to confirm the missed miscarriage and then we could decide where to go from there. The visit took no longer than 15 minutes from start to finish. Those were 15 life changing minutes. I walked out of the office crying. I couldn't compose myself, come to think of it, I didn't even try. I let the tears flow. I cried on and off for the rest of that day. I was grateful to have Vince home that day.
On tuesday, Vince went in early to work to make up some hours, and I was home alone all day, with my thoughts. That's when everything got so real. I was still trying to digest the news that the Dr. had given me. My emotions were all over the place. I was confused on how to grieve this loss. I didn't know if my feelings of loss were even valid because I was only 9weeks along. Baby was just a tiny little gummy and I thought people might think I'm silly for feeling so much pain. But it hurts and it hurts deep. It hurts that I'll never get to meet my sweet little baby. That I'll never know if we were going to have a daughter or a son. That my child will never meet his brother in this life. That I'll never get to cuddle my babe and tell him/her a million times how much I love them. I also hate that I have to wait until next week to see the Dr. again to know for certain. I'm scared about how to tell others. I'm mad that the entire world has continued spinning while mine has stopped. There's a gigantic hole in my heart and it frustrates me that I don't know how to fix it. That night when Vince got home from work, I had an emotional melt down. I cried and tried to explain how I was feeling. He held me and told me that everything would be okay. We mourned together and he promised we'd get through it together. That same day, my dear friend, who has suffered miscarriages herself, also shared comforting words with me. She has continued over this week to text me to see if I'm okay and offer her help. It has meant the world to me. That night, I had the worst cramps of my life. They felt like contractions and I cried in pain the whole night.
On Wednesday, I found out that my sister-in-law Emily was going through the same EXACT thing as me. I'm sorry people, but can you pause and let that blow your mind?! because it's still blowing mine. What are the odds that two people in the same family, who were both 9 weeks along, went to the Dr. on the same day and got the same diagnosis? We think our babies said to each other "come on cousin, let's just stay up here!" Being able to mourn with my sister has been a tender mercy. Having someone so close that I can be completely honest with about how I'm feeling and where I'm at emotionally and physically has helped me in this grieving process. Don't get me wrong, I tell Vince everything too but no matter how much I describe, there's still so much emotionally and physically that he can't understand because it isn't happening to his body. She also shared a song with me that has completely changed my way of thinking. Here's the link to the song-- Perfect Way to Start by Craig Aven This song has helped me overcome many of my fears and insecurities. It also just helps me to keep a positive perspective. Needless to say, it's been on repeat since!
Just today, I was telling Vince that experiencing this has introduced us into an entirely new world of grief. One that I never knew existed. It's so true, you really can't know what a person is going through unless you walk in their shoes. I know that this will make us stronger, I know that there are lessons I'm supposed to learn from this trial. I often wonder if I'm learning them, I hope so. I have complete faith in the plan of salvation. I have felt His arms around me bearing me up during this time. I'm still an emotional wreck on and off and I probably will be for awhile but I'm going to stop hiding under my rock. I'm putting this out there to let anyone else suffering in silence, know that you are loved, you are strong and you will make it through this. There is hope and help for you. There was a beautiful quote I found by Elder Dallin H. Oaks:
I absolutely love this quote. I have said so many prayers over the last couple of days asking for strength and comfort during this trial and I have received both ten fold. I know that it is because of our Savior, Jesus Christ, that no loss will ever be final. He gave His life because He loved us. He bridged the gap and made it possible for us to have eternal families. For this, I can always, always, always be grateful. President Uchtdorf explains this much better in his talk "Grateful in Every Circumstance." Something else that has tremendously helped is laughter. It's the best medicine people. If you haven't laughed today, you can start now with this video: Just for laughs
It has been a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions these past few days but I'm learning to find joy now, regardless. I have peace and hope in my heart because I know that everything will be okay in the end. I know that the peace I feel can only come through a testimony in Jesus Christ, because it is through him that we receive true and everlasting peace. I love my family! Hendrix is a never ending source of joy and happiness. He would always point to my stomach and say "sister," which came out more like "deeedter." I'm sad he won't have a little sibling in August like we'd hoped. On the bright side, he still has his four crazy girl cousins downstairs to play with, cause trouble to and love. Vince is the greatest friend and husband that I could ever hope for. I couldn't get through this time without him. He has catered and continues to cater to my every need and has helped me in every way possible. If you are still reading this, you deserve a piece of chocolate.. so go eat some!
Soon Vince, Hendrix and I will be an eternal family. Still trying to comprehend that, I'm so excited! Check out my blog for the update on our sealing. Till then, be strong and face your trials with faith and courage! All will be well :)
